Ugh…Wagon falling…CRASH!!! January 16, 2011

So, I’ve fallen off the wagon this week.  Here are a couple of conversations that occured with my trainer and doctor this weekend.

Mike says:

What do u think the reason is u fall off after a month?  Impatient, bored, lack of faith, etc…..The nice part about having a persistant and annoying wellness team like us by your side is we won’t let you fall off!!!

I know we were talking about it the other night, but try to answer the ‘why’ for the decrease in motivation…..like we said, the barrier might be the uncertainty in the program moving forward.

 

Dr. B says:

Agreed cause this time was gonna be the “different” last time.  In order for that to happen, you have to know why the failures didn’t work.  It’s like a recipe that didn’t work out – you gotta look at the ingredients and the processing steps and analyze what was the factor that kept it from working.

 

I say:

You might run out of room on your iphones…it’s long!

I think this all stems pretty deep and there are several roots to the issue I think.  All of them intertwined.

1) lack of my own faith in actually completing this.  Fear of seeing who that new person might be?  Comfortability in some sense of where I am.  Fear of the unknown.

2)  When I was in high school and dropped a lot of weight (down to 123), I still wasn’t able to get men interested in me.  And while a guy’s attention shouldn’t be the carrot stick, it kinda is when you grow up with a family of mother and father.  The two are great friends and companions.  Something I’ve not yet experienced, even when I was married (luckily that only lasted a short period of time for several reasons).  Not to mention the desire to have children with someone.  (See #3)

3) Mom was my rock, she was the one that helped me trudge through all the mud.  I left for college, not really realizing how important she was to me and how much I needed her, I would eat whatever, drink whatever, and not really think about the consequences.  I think it was apart of being 18 and having pure freedom.  Which then started to spiral when I met my exhusband who was a larger guy and ate a lot.  I would pick up his bad habits and just try and keep up with him as far as food went.  The men that I had relationships with after him were mostly bigger guys.  And I believe that stems from the comment my father made while I was in high school, that good looking guys don’t like bigger girls.  (Is that really true?  I’m not sure…I believe it because it was said to me…and I’ve had maybe one man that Ive dated since my marrage that was in better shape than myself.)

4)  Since mom died, I feel like I’ve lost myself.  I have no idea who I am anymore, not really sure what I really enjoy anymore.  Fear of letting people into my life for the fear of them leaving me in some way shape or form.  I’d rather push people away than have them leave me.  I used to be a “social butterfly” but I’ve become more of a recluse over the years.  Which kind of scares me in a way.

I have talked to dad, and the reason why he didn’t really mention me going back in Feburary was because he was wanting me to try a month on my own to see if I could do that.  I explained to him that I’m not ready to do that at this point.  He’s agreed then to help out for another 12 sessions, but after that we need to really sit down and talk.  He said he knew that I would need to see you guys for awhile and this first 12 weeks wasn’t going to get me where I need to be.  I also mentioned to him that we were going to talk to my insurance company to see if that would help out at all, and explained that most times insurance companies don’t really help with this kinda a thing.  So he does understand that the insurance isn’t a definate thing, but I would still like to try and see what they say.

He’s made great progress in trying to understand the magnatue of my weight issue and how much emotional baggage there is that comes with it.  He has gone from telling me I need to lose weight and saying negative things to understanding the issue.

Workout plan:  DDR and a couple rounds of the workout we did on Monday.  (I also found my Bender ball, so the sitted twists will a go!)  Also, I have this Monday off, if you have anything in the morning can I switch the 4:00 to something earlier?

 

Dr. B says:

1) lack of faith in yourself – ok, so that’s the problem related to a lot of things.  Weight loss is no different. Good thing you’re not depending solely on yourself anymore.

2) the carrot isn’t necessarily male attention, but attention and love in general.  Basic human need – no reason you should be any different or feel a need to apologize for it.

3) relationships – the comment is true if you make it be true.  I’ve seen people madly in love with people who were ugly, mentally disabled, fat, stupid, disfigured, the list goes on and on. Real love really doesn’t care.  Somewhere there is someone who will love YOU, regardless of size or condition (which changes over time.  Real love can withstand aging, disease and bad luck.)

4) “better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all” – not sure.  Probably not, loving and losing (which is inevitable) is really painful.  I think a lot of us would prefer to never love at all, but the resulting loneliness and isolation is at war with our intrinsic human nature.  Also, it’s probably impossible to turn off the love spigot completely and permanently.  Inevitably something or someone breaks through, and we either find ourselves caring more than we want and fearing the consequences, or loving unhealthily in an effort to protect ourselves (unhealthy relationships).  We’ve all done it – both the unhealthy self-damaging relationships, and the pushing away others in an attempt to fix the problem and prevent new ones.  The question is – is that the life you want?  Probably not, or it would have been enough for you and you would have been happy with it.

I think what you may be trying to do here is find yourself and the ability to live the life you’ve been given openly, honestly and with the courage to face it head on.  People are always seeking this, but it can be hard to realize it.  We tell ourselves that we’ll find what we’re looking for when we lose weight or find a committed relationship or get another degree or promotion or earn more, not realizing that those factors are merely a small part of the picture.  The goal achievements are never enough if we don’t attend to the big picture.  But courage, faith and the ability to trust intelligently while taking care of ourselves – these are not innate skills, nor easily learned.  I think you are very brave for doing this, and can tell you that when we learn to join hands and work together to support each other, there is nothing beyond the reach of our human capacity.

 

Mike says:

Calories still looked good! Nice job with the awareness and reflection on the email u sent answering the barrier ??’s.  I think just taking the time to answer is a huge first step to NOT letting it be a barrier moving forward! We’ll discuss more 2morrow.

Make sure to rest up tonight….HEFTY workout agenda planned :p u don’t have to walk anywhere tuesday, do u?? J/k 🙂

I say:

HA HA HA…you’re too funny.  You’re not just kidding.  And yes I do have walking to do on Tuesday, and Wednesday!  🙂

So, today was the playoff game for the Bears. Football Sundays were always typical nachos and buffalo wings days.  I’ve not had any wings all season long, so I splurged today and had 5 of them.  I know they aren’t the healthiest of choices.  Nor was the Portillos (but damn that hotdog was good).  Sometimes some nostalgia is needed.   As we have mentioned before food, family, social events kinda all go together and I guess I’m kind of missing the social aspect?
I’ve kind of limited my socialization while I try and get a handle on this new way of life thing.  The progress has been good, but it’s time to buckle up and continue on.  I need to find my support system.  There are very few people that I trust in my life.  Pretty much my dad, and off of yesterday’s email the lack of trust comes from the wall that I put up.  I’ve also looked at myself as pretty independent so my reliance on others to get me through tough time, pretty much was myself. I’m not sure how I would or could put trust into others, as I know that it takes a “village to raise a child”, and the benefits of that moto.  Still lots to think about.